Nice vs. Naughty

Naughty and nice. Good and bad. Black and white. Up and down. God and Satan. North and south. Left and right. Glenn Beck and common sense. Sarah Palin and literacy.

Our world is full of opposites. In fact, a great philosopher — I believe it was Aristotle — once said: “There are two kinds of people in the world: those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don’t.”

Yes, our world is full of opposites, and at no time is this more evident than during the holidays. This is when our wise and benevolent creator, Santa Claus, takes out his immortal list from the heavens above and places all of humanity in either a ‘naughty’ column or a ‘nice’ column. Then he checks the list twice, because he’s afraid of being audited by the IRS.

And how will the gay community be categorized this year? Have we been naughty or have we been nice? More importantly, how should we act around those who disagree with us?

Several weeks ago, a collective “God, why has thou forsaken us” arouse from gay men and women across the country, followed by a “no, seriously, what the hell” in response to the passage of Proposition 1 in Maine. Proposition 1, which followed in the anti-gay footsteps of California’s Proposition 8, prevents gay men and women from having the privileges and responsibilities and more responsibilities and even more responsibilities of marriage. However, the gay community’s response in 2009 was much different from the gay community’s response in 2008. While we responded in 2008 to the passage of Proposition 8 with protests, unbridled anger and Adam Bouska celebrity photo shoots, our response in 2009 to the passage of Proposition 1 was met with a few protests, some anger, and a couple of decaffeinated yawns.

It’s as if gay men and women across the United States, as a collective whole, were unsure whether to be angry at their adversaries, or whether to be patient with their adversaries. Which is more effective? We’ve long been taught that “you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” But what if the flies are on a diet? Or homophobic?

When 200,000 gay men and women and their straight allies marched in Washington on October 11, 2009 in the National Equality March, they were met with criticism by a few gay leaders, including Rep. Barney Frank, who called the march “useless.” When some in the gay community in California decided to boycott those businesses that supported Proposition 8 with militant zeal, others in the gay community criticized such efforts for “not building bridges.” Should we be building bridges to stand with our enemies, or should we remain firm in our principles, while watching our bridges burn in the anti-gay moonlight?

Should we be naughty or should we be nice?

I’m currently facing a similar dilemma — in this case, that of ‘being angry’ vs. ‘being understanding’ — on a very personal level. My brother announced to the family a few weeks ago that he plans to marry his girlfriend in December after only dating for a few months. This announcement has suddenly and unexpectedly divided my family. Although my parents support my brother’s upcoming marriage, my sister and I do not, because we believe that my brother’s 1½-month engagement is ludicrously and immaturely short. I am also frustrated with my brother because although he’s made little attempt to get to know my boyfriend, he expects me to fully support his soon-to-be wife. Do I boycott his wedding out of principle, or do I support him unconditionally, even if I disagree with him?

Should I be naughty or should I be nice?

I will most likely end up supporting his marriage unconditionally, even if he doesn’t support my right to get married. However, it’s not always easy to know whether to distance ourselves from our enemies, or whether to pull them in closer. Hating our enemies hasn’t been successful, but loving our enemies hasn’t been successful either. Perhaps winning the culture wars requires a combination of both. A good example of this is the LDS Church’s recent support of the anti-discrimination ordinances in Salt Lake City. Through a combination of protests against the LDS Church, as well as constructive dialogue with the LDS Church, common ground between the church and the gay community was eventually accomplished.

Sometimes it’s necessary to be naughty and nice.