Money, Money, Money: It’s a Rich Gay Man’s World

QSaltLake Readers:

I apologize for failing to keep my end of the bargain. When I started writing for QSaltLake over two years ago, I promised to write moderately entertaining and insightful columns in every issue, and you in exchange promised to not sue me for slander and libel, or for lifting whole paragraphs from Wikipedia. You’ve kept your end of the bargain and haven’t sued me, whereas I have gone the majority of the summer without writing a single column. For that, I apologize. And like most gay men, I’m also going to blame my mother.

The reason for my lack of columns is because I’ve been finishing my book, Revolutions for Fun and Profit! The Proletariat’s Guide to Political Uprisings, Citizen Revolutions and Personal Hygiene. The book, which is a satirical guidebook on how to start a revolution, is required reading for every gay activist, civil rights advocate and aspiring revolutionary. The book, which is being released on Sept. 26, can be pre-ordered by going to revolutionsforfunandprofit.com.

For my next book, I plan on writing Shameless Plugs: How to Tactlessly Promote Your Book in a Column and Get Away With It.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled column.

In the words of the legendary Joel Grey: “Money makes the world go around, the world go around, the world go around. Money makes the world go around, it makes the world go ‘round.” In other words, Nicolaus Copernicus was clearly an idiot.

There are many pros and cons when it comes to being a gay man. PRO: You are allowed to sleep with men. CON: You are forbidden from sleeping with women. PRO: Nobody thinks anything about you being incredibly campy. CON: Except for the gang of thugs kicking your ass. PRO: You have a lot more disposable income than your heterosexual peers. CON: You’ll probably waste your disposable income on porn and alcohol. PRO: You’ll probably waste your disposable income on porn and alcohol.

According to a recent survey in a magazine I read in a dentist office a few months ago (if you’re not reading _Highlights for Children_, you’re missing out), gay couples generally have more disposable income than do straight couples, due to the fact that they are much less likely than straight couples to have adopted or biological children. This probably isn’t surprising to anyone who is gay, has been gay, knows someone gay, or who has caught an episode of _Frasier_. Most people will agree that gay men are generally more style-savvy, drink better wine, decorate better and overall have more money.

In short, money is as important to gay men as oxygen is important to straight men (little known fact: Gay men breath vodka instead of oxygen). That having been said, is money TOO important to gay men?
Is money running our lives?

Several months ago I went out on a date with an interesting and wealthy man. He was confident, successful, wealthy and absolutely perfect … for someone else. What he lacked in personality, he made up for in financial assets. Despite the fact that we had an enjoyable and expensive evening ($135.99, I put the receipt in a frame), I discovered that I was unable to relate to him at all. I’m a struggling writer trying to make an impact on the world; he is a wealthy and successful businessman who is looser with money than Lindsay Lohan is with her sexuality. I realized that I had nothing in common with him, and only went out with him once. Although I didn’t get a new BMW out of the date, I couldn’t help but wonder what other gay men would have done in my situation.

It often seems as if in the gay community that we place an inordinate amount of weight on less important priorities, such as looks and money. Personality and ambition is far less important than a hot body and a large bank account; goals and happiness appear to be less worthwhile than do a large penis and a trust fund. Success is not quantitative, unless it can be measured in dollar signs or inches.

I recently had this conversation with one of the most judgmental yet smartest women in the world: my mother. I mentioned that I felt inadequate, and couldn’t compete with the gay men who had more dollar bills up their assholes than dildos. She reminded me that when she and my father were first married they were quite poor, yet become successful, together, over many years.

I’ve thought back on that and I’ve realized: I don’t want to find a sugar daddy. I don’t want to find somebody perfect. I want to find some who has flaws, but is trying to overcome them; I want to find someone who isn’t wealthy, but is willing to become successful with me over the years.

We as a gay community have many goals: gay marriage, equal rights in the workplace, and many others. Yet it often appears that we have just one priority: have more money than that bitch next door.

Perhaps if we focus less on having money ourselves and focus more on helping others, we mind end up successful after all.

If all else fails, I may just end up marrying Joel Grey. I heard that old queen has a ton of money.