Religious S&M
As his knee inched closer to mine, my bishop began to ask me questions. We were sitting in a small room with one table and two chairs. He pulled the chairs out from the table to get closer to me.
“Are there any moral misdeeds in your life that need to be reported to the proper priesthood authorities,” he asked as he placed a hand on my knee.
“No, not that I can think of,” I responded, feeling nervous about his hand on my leg.
“Are you sure? We wouldn’t want you to get out in the mission field and have something you need to repent,” he continued inching closer, and by this time his leg was between my legs nearing my crotch.
“No, really, I am fine,” I stammered. “There’s nothing to worry about.”
The breath felt like it was bathing me in the terrible stench of his dinner, that I am sure his wife made for him. The pause felt like an hour as he stared into my eyes, as he tried to decide if I was telling the truth.
There was nothing I could do to challenge him. He could intertwine his leg in mine and feel my thigh all the while claiming it was a higher power that commanded him to feel the spirit while questioning my spirituality. My bishop was playing the dominate role, asking me about masturbation, sex and whether or not I thought of women when no one else was around.
“Masturbation is not condoned by God. Is that something you struggle with?” He asked me.
“No, I am fine,” he was one of the very few other men who had ever asked me if I jack off.
Again, came the pause as he pondered my answer.
“All right, Elder Bracken, be sure to follow the higher law and keep it that way,” my bishop told me while finally backing away from me. I took the first full, deep breath through my nose since the interview started.
I was reminded of this incident as I rounded my anniversary of my return from serving a Mormon mission on the same day that I interviewed two terrific and friendly men about their involvement with the leather and S&M community.
I sat in the Starbucks sipping a chai latte and discussing the various ways Darin Osborne and Creig Nielson described the dynamics of their relationship. Osborne, who is the ‘boy,’ or more submissive role, shared his exploration of participating in the S&M community and playing with others who enjoyed playing the more dominate role. My mind flashed back to the incident with the bishop.
As I continued speaking with others about S&M and kinky lifestyles, one friend shared with me his role play with a man in Canada. My friend plays the dominate role and tells him when he can or can’t have sex, when he can look at porn and basically everything he can or cannot do sexually with others.
“We both love it,” my friend told me. “It’s such a turn on to be in control and some people just like to be dominated.”
I couldn’t help but wonder if sexual morality stems from the same sadomasochism roots. Did sexual morality come from a desire to dominate, and be dominated, by some higher power and Supreme Being that tells us when we can and can’t have sex; who we can sleep with and what clothes we can and cannot wear?
I later spoke with other young men who were involved with the same bishop and heard similar stories of flirtatious touching and eye contact. I’ll never know for sure, but I can’t help but wonder how he might have wanted to punish me if he did find out I am gay.