Car Hell

Several years ago when I worked in an office on the other side of the valley, I had a near-death experience on my way home from work. I thought that day would be like any other day spent in office hell. But who could be that lucky?

I woke up twenty minutes before I had to be at work. That would have been OK, except work was located as far east as the freeway goes while I lived as far west.

After a five second shower, I collected my Book of Mormon and my brown paper sack containing a Ding Dong, Doritos and a ham sandwich. I grabbed a Twinkie for breakfast. (Oh, the good ol’ days when pastries, chips and nachos were my essential food groups and I still stayed 110 pounds.)

With half the Twinkie hanging out of my mouth, I started to put my sandals on.

“You don’t have to go in today,” my mom said. As a school teacher she was on break for the summer.

“Huh?” I dropped a sandal and lost my balance at the same time. I finished the shoe job.

“I just hate you traveling so far to work.”

“Huh?” I asked again. Mornings were not my academic high point.

She raised one eyebrow. “It’d be OK if you didn’t show up today. I hate you driving when you’re in a hurry.”

When was I not in a hurry? “I’ll be OK.” Sure, I’ve had more accidents in my short driving record than the rest of my family combined, but this was the first time she’d said anything in the three weeks I’ve been going to work.

I ran out the door before she could say anything else. I needed the money for another Jack Weyland book and Hansen concert tickets.

A peach Toyota Tercel with more dents than car waited on the curb for me. I turned the ignition and started driving, forgetting to close the passenger door. My purse fell out on the driveway. I put the car in park and picked it up. This time I closed the door before driving.

Heading east, I closed my visor to get the blinding rays out of my eye. A picture of a smiling Charisma Carpenter in a cheerleading uniform from _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ stared back at me. (It’s quite a shocker the lesbian epiphany didn’t reach me until two years later.) I made it all the way across the valley in less than ten minutes, going 80 in a car that only went to 85.

After four hours of monotonous filing and as long a lunch as possible, I headed back to my car. Moving between the cars at the same speed to get back, I figured if I was going with cars, I wasn’t breaking the law. My Tercel and a fancy sport car maintained the same speed as I sung along to a Spice Girls song. Suddenly, the engine made a grumbling noise that frightened me.  I pushed on my break but it was too late. The car moved without me, spinning like a tea cup at Disneyworld. My front bumper barely missed the red Mustang as it swerved around me. Before I could blink, a giant semi-truck headed straight toward me. The driver wasn’t stopping. I closed my eyes because there wasn’t anything else I could do. My brakes and steering wheel were not working.

Half the car fell off and abruptly stopped on the gravel. I reached behind me and kissed my Book of Mormon. This symbol of faith, I thought, must have been why I was saved today.

Three cars pulled over in sync. I climbed out of my car and sat on the gravel, trying not to hyperventilate.

One woman in a station wagon came out and approached me carefully.

“Are you alive?”

No, I’m dead, I thought.

Wait, maybe I was. “I think so,” I said taking a few steps toward her.

She looked at me as if I just walked on water, not gravel. “You can walk?” She cushioned my back with her arms.

A bearded man stepped out of his pick up truck and came our way. “I’ve never seen this before and I’m a mechanic.”

“It’s not possible,” the 50-something-year-old in a blue Pontiac agreed. “I think I saw a cop a while back. Hopefully, he’ll stop.”

“Oh, he’ll stop all-right,” the bearded guy finally picked his jaw up off the floor and then continued. “Hell, if this axel thing hadn’t completely fallen off, you’d be dead right now.”

A vision of being trapped underneath a coffin with my worst enemies throwing dirt and black roses on top of me flew threw my brain. I wasn’t ready to die. I hadn’t even had sex yet. Not that I ever thought about it or anything. It was wrong to think about things like that.
The cop car did, indeed, stop. Since it was the days before cell phones, he called in a tow truck on his radio.

“Are you invincible?”

“Huh?”

“Don’t worry about it. The ambulance is coming.”

But, I didn’t need an ambulance. As I watched the tow driver scrape my car off the gravel, I realized I had forgotten to retrieve my scriptures.

Either the guardian angels watched out for me that day or my car was a preview for the 2010 Toyota recall. I’ll never know. I could say I learned a valuable lesson from my near-death experience, but then I’d just be making shit up. In fact, it wasn’t even the last time I drove eighty on a freeway. But, it was the last time I had to work all summer. No more office hell. I was lucky!