Perfect: The Journey of a Gay Mormon

Joseph Dallin pens approximately 15 years of his emotional tug of war between his self preservation and the strong-arm, dogmatic teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the autobiography Perfect, The Journey of a Gay Mormon. Dallin writes with both his mind and his heart, the soldiers of his 15-year turmoil, so the book itself is like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, a metaphor I believe Dallin wants to illustrate.

For those people who are not part of an organized religion or do not regularly practice much spirituality (or are plainly strong-willed), Perfect, at times, may be a little hard to swallow. Dallin’s struggles will seem whiny and self-indulgent — from the first page — constantly turning to “God” to bring death upon him.

-Dear God, I know you want me dead … please let me die! Let me die tonight! Right now!

But not to undermine — it’s all too common for most teenagers and young adults, whether religious or not, to wish for death over life at some point in their growth, it’s painful, but natural.

Dallin doesn’t set out to demonize the Mormon Church, he simply relays what he witnessed, experienced and deeply felt from the time he realized he was gay at 13, to his prophetic mission, to coming out at 23 and how he lives his life today. Throughout, there are a number of thought-provoking moments of Dallin’s journey that bear questions into the sanctity of religion, particularly Mormonism. What motivated Dallin to ‘come out’ to the church before his parents? Is it really possible that Dallin and his mother heard such profoundly similar messages from “God” (or, for the questioning, experienced such similar epiphanies)?

As with an alarming number of gay Mormons, Dallin eventually turned to believe that the only ‘cure’ for his homosexuality was suicide. And with infuriating indignation, that belief too exists in his parents, as well as so many other Mormon parents with gay children. Dallin’s parents fell silent when their son asked, “Would you rather I had just committed suicide?”

-Their silence shattered the space in the room. It would echo for days, months, even years in a hollow place in my heart.

I could not help but be reminded of, and disgusted by, the same mindset of Stuart Matis’ parents (as shown in the film 8: The Mormon Proposition) when they said (not verbatim) that “finally the family has found a little peace” by their son’s suicide.

The Mormon Church believes it is the “true church,” “God’s mouthpiece,” and the irony found in that belief came to Dallin on more than one ocassion, yet he felt compelled (or, perhaps fearful) to stay in servitude for over 15 years. This only strengthens my disenchantment with religion, particularly Mormonism. But that’s not to say that Dallin’s struggle shouldn’t be shared; his “journey” has been necessary to his preservation, and with any hope, also to countless others of all types of faith.

Perfect is, first and foremost, a step for Dallin in self-healing, a reconciliation to his being an “apostate” to the church — it’s a wonderful read; a modest, yet moving prose. Dallin’s message to the world, I believe, is that perfection is not an absolute determined by any and all outside influences; perfection is an absolute only when reached through our own personal sense of peace. I, for one, think that that’s a hell of a lot more obtainable.