Eat Me

I’ve had a difficult time deciding what to write about this week. My mind isn’t on queer issues at the moment. My brain is swirling through a half-dozen ideas, and I have absolutely no focus on any one thing (which should be evident as you read). I was originally going to write about America’s sweeping descent into fascism – but Naomi Wolf has pretty much has covered all that territory in The End of America (which you should all rush out and read). But I was feeling rather upbeat, and the idea of writing about the demise of our civil liberties was a bit too much, even for me. I was then going to write about my frustration with the presidential campaign, and my outrage with progressives for refusing to rally behind Dennis Kucinich (who is, hands down, the only candidate who truly champions progressive – and gay – values). I had written five paragraphs about how terrible the Clinton presidency was, but then scrapped the whole thing. Even I didn’t want to hear myself gripe. I’m not really into politics right now, and even gay issues feel tedious to ponder. I’m sure it’s just a phase. I go through them.

But what more is there really to say about the gays that we haven’t already? Gay people should enjoy civil liberties like all Americans. Yes. Gay people should stop hating themselves. True. Gay Mormons should seek therapy. Absolutely true. Everyone should have safer sex. Yes – even you lesbians. That just about says everything our community needs, right? How much more validation do we require? If you are feeling uncertain about your gayness, just sit quietly and ask your queer self: Am I living authentically in all areas of my life? And if you find an aspect of your life that is incongruent with your larger self, then set a plan to bring everything into queer harmony. Get a life coach. Read Byron Katie. Watch Oprah. Whatever.

The only topic that I’m really interested in right now is food. I’ve recently become obsessed with Michael Pollan, the author of The Omnivore’s Dilemma and his most recent book, In Defense of Food. This guy is brilliant. I have become hyper-aware of what I’m putting in my body, where it was manufactured and if it is, in fact, actually food (and not a nutritionally engineered food-like substance, such as margarine). And if living an authentic life is our goal, then maybe food does play a big part in our journey. If we are what we eat, and what we are regularly eating is processed, fast foodish nutrients (packed with high fructose corn syrup and other genetically modified organisms), then maybe there is something artificial in the very cellular make up of our bodies. And maybe the processed and pre-packaged nature of our diets is actually working itself into our personalities. Maybe that’s why people act “fake.” Maybe that’s why it’s so easy for us to feel lost. Sometimes we don’t know who we are. We don’t know what we want out of life. Does that sound familiar? Well, check out any random box of food. Look at the ingredients. What the hell is a monostearate? Or a maltodextrin? We are eating this stuff and it is re-building our cellular bodies. If I don’t know what is making me, then maybe it’s no wonder that I’m often at a loss as to who I actually am.

Well, okay. I’ve moved from the gastronomic to the ontological. Some may see that as a stretch. That’s fine. Like I said, my thoughts are anything but focused. I always feel like this when I’m facing one of those big paradigmatic shifts in my brain. Remember when you first came to terms with your gayness, and how the old you (raised as you were in a hetero-normative universe) came crashing up against the emerging you? It’s a time for feeling a bit crazy and unpredictable. Everything is moving beneath your feet. Anything can happen. That’s how I’m feeling about food right now. I feel that the way I’ve been eating is unsustainable, unhealthy and in many ways detrimental to my body and soul. Now, I don’t eat fast food. I haven’t for years (except for the occasional late night drunken drive through at Wendy’s). I don’t drink carbonation. But I haven’t been actively seeking out the healthiest culinary habits, either.

So I’ve decided that I want to eat better: whole foods, seasonal fruits, vegetables, less meat. Why not? It’s all about being happy, right? We have such a personal and intimate relationship with food. If we eat better, we feel better. Our energy increases, our sleeping improves, our sexual stamina is enhanced, and we become more socially responsible. We support local organic farmers with their grass-fed, free-range animals. That’s good, right? That’s ecologically responsible, yes? Please forgive my random, unfocused sputterings about eating and authenticity. I’m just wandering through life trying to figure out what everything is all about – just like you.

And yes, I still believe Hillary Clinton would make a lousy president. And Dennis Kucinich is still the only Democrat willing to stop America’s march of imperial fascism. He is also, incidentally, the only candidate who fully supports gay marriage (are you HRC people reading?). And he’s vegan (though I’m still far from it). These are my thoughts this week, such as they are. We all just need to get together and cook healthy food for each other. Food is also about pleasure – and good company. I can get excited about that.

Troy produces RadioActive on KRCL, 90.9 FM. He blogs at queergnosis.com.