Watching the Apocalypse
Darlings, have you been watching the late night brainiac channels lately? You know, the History Channel, the Discovery Channel, that sort of thing? I have, and let me tell you, kittens, I am so freaked out I am officially losing my mind!
According to the scientists, academics and technical people who know these things, life on earth as we know it could be snuffed out in a millisecond because of: A) rogue asteroids, B) mega-tsunamis, C) mega-earthquakes, D) a new Ice Age, E) methane eruptions, F) pandemics and plagues or G) some combination of all of the above that also involves global warming and some type of nuclear incident.
Oh, and don’t even get me started about the black holes and the imminent collision of neighboring galaxies. To make a long story short, cherubs, we are statistically TOAST and I need a Xanax.
Seriously kittens, late night schlockumentaries have got me so paranoid I won’t even vacation in Yellowstone anymore. According to one show, it’s a ticking bomb of geothermal angst that will vaporize Idaho, Utah and Wyoming in a nano-second when it erupts, and cover the rest of the world in ash, thus blocking out the sun until all life is destroyed. That has bad hair day written all over it! And forget going to San Francisco for a weekend getaway, because the Bay Area is just one quick tremor away from oblivion (if the flooding of the Sacramento Valley doesn’t destroy it first). While you’re at it, cancel your hotel reservations for the circuit party in Miami. Apparently, it could be two miles underwater in a flash if some chunk of the Canary Islands slides off into the Atlantic and creates a tsunami — that’s the same tsunami that would wipe out the maritime states as well as Washington, New York, Baltimore, Philadelphia and Boston. You know these people are serious when they have a computer graphic that looks like the Giants Stadium being attacked by the Scrubbing Bubbles commercial. And believe me, muffins, at 11:00 p.m., alone in a darkened room, that visual is terrifying. On the other hand, those Trump properties in Atlantic City should be wiped off the planet in about 10 seconds, which is something to look forward to (for those of you who remember Bob Stupaks’ Vegas World Hotel, they look like that, only bigger and uglier). But I have to ask myself, “Is the world really ready for West Virginia to be the new Long Island?” Eeeeww. I’m sure as hell not!
As if living through the George W. Bush era hasn’t been terrifying and apocalyptic enough, do we need to have documentary channels scaring the crap out of us right before bedtime? I think these shows have to be some big-media, big business ploy to freak us out before the next election, or the big oil companies making Al Gore’s documentary on global warming look wussy by comparison. Either way, I’m taking it seriously and stockpiling water and granola bars. Oh, and don’t think I haven’t made a list of my neighbors with food storage who don’t own guns. Because even during the apocalypse, petals, a girl’s gotta eat.
Sweet dreams, babies! Q