Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Bitchy

Several years ago, I went to a gay club on Halloween. I’m not going to publicly admit that this particular club was ‘Club Splash,’ as I don’t wish to inadvertently reveal that I’m old enough to remember when Salt Lake City had a Club Splash. In any case, anyone who has been to a gay club on Halloween knows that gay men have only three options when it comes to a Halloween costume: 

1.    Be dressed like a male slut
2.    Be dressed like a drag queen
3.    Be dressed like a slutty drag queen

Those who don’t follow such rules risk death and/or being ostracized from the gay community. It’s still unclear which is worse.

I wasn’t ever given a copy of the Gay Halloween Rules, and consequently I showed up at this particular gay club dressed in a homemade, frumpy rendition of Space Ghost. Let’s just say that there was more cloth in my cape and utility belt than there was covering every gay man in that club, combined. To say I was embarrassed by my Space Ghost costume is an understatement. I was America Ferrara walking into Mode dressed as a butterfly – but without the great skin or Golden Globe Award.

Gay men love to judge others. I don’t mean “love to judge” the same way some people love having a glass of wine with dinner; I mean “love to judge” the same way Amy Winehouse loves waking up in an alley and guessing what city she’s in. Looking back on that fateful Halloween night, I realize that I also would most likely have judged a socially-inept Space Ghost looking awkward in a gay club. We judge everything, from clothing, hair, bodies and shoes to money, success, bodies and shoes. We understand there are different levels of hot men, we recognize that gay men fall into different rankings when it comes to dating, and we all know that a gay man who attempts to talk to – let alone date – a gay man in an echelon higher than his own risks the swift and mighty fury of a vengeful Lord and God.

No, seriously. Madonna can get really pissy.

Why do we do this? Why do we feel as though it’s our Constitution-given right to shame and ridicule those who don’t meet our levels of acceptance? For those readers who disagree that gay men enjoy ruthlessly judging others, may I suggest that they visit any one of the seven trillion gay-owned celebrity blogs floating around in the ether of the Internets. Despite being written by Cocoa Puffs-eating, pajama-wearing, overweight gay trolls who are clearly in no position to be judging others, these blogs appear as though they reserve the right to judge celebrities for wearing the wrong shoes or for gaining seven pounds.

But wait a minute.

Didn’t I just make a blanket assumption that all gay men who write celebrity blogs are Cocoa Puffs-eating, pajama-wearing, overweight gay trolls, 76% of who happen to be Perez Hilton? I may find many of these celebrity blogs to be obnoxious, but aren’t I perpetuating the judging issue by stereotyping? By ridiculing the physical appearances and daily habits of people I’ve never met, am I also part of the problem?

We live in one of the most accepting progressive eras in human history. Gay men and women can now get married in California and Massachusetts. More hate crimes legislation is being passed in more states every year. Workplace discrimination is down, gay men and women are becoming more visible in the media, and even some gay professional athletes are finding the courage to become role models to young gay teenagers everywhere. But are some of us – those with catty blogs, eight-pack abs, and, well, those who are just overall bitches – undermining this progress? I’m certainly not suggesting we date everyone who says ‘hello.’ I do believe, however, that some men are convinced that they’re God’s gift to gay men, despite the fact that God knows that we’ll probably just return His gift for store credit.

When gay men judge members of our own community for being too fat or not young enough or the wrong ethnicity or not fashionable, we remind the rest of the world that the gay community is not united and that we’re not quite ready for the equality we demand. Must we continue to be so judgmental?

But if we see someone in a Space Ghost costume, then yes – by all means judge away. Seriously, who does that?